As the topics 'women in leadership' and 'inclusive tech' continue to need our focus, I've reflected on my journey in tech leadership and what it feels like to be the only woman leader in the room.
Why is speaking about this topic important to me?
I like to share my lived experience in a way that could help others in a similar situation. Because I love hearing about others and have always found it comforting and educational. I also believe that women speaking up can help male leaders who may have a blind spot about their female peers. I care about leadership so much that I built my company to positively impact thousands of leaders and organisations and create workplaces where we all thrive.
So, to all the current and potential women leaders and allies - here's my story with a sprinkling of data, women leadership books and top tips for navigating the 'only' waters. ❤️
Contents
Women in Leadership Statistics
The Leanin.org Women in the Workplace 2018 report on corporate America reported:
1 in 5 women report being the only woman or one of the only women in the room at work, thus are 'Onlys'.
40% of senior-level women and women in technical roles are 'Onlys'.
'Onlys’' experience is worse: 80% experience microaggressions, compared to 64% of women overall.
'Onlys' are 1.5x more likely to consider leaving their jobs.
Women in Technology Leadership Statistics
According to a research study, women in senior leadership roles often experience a lack of legitimacy due to male-dominated workplace cultures and gender bias. This 'psychological glass ceiling' can hinder their leadership potential.
The tech industry is notorious for its underrepresentation of women. Despite comprising 50% of the UK's workforce, women represent only 29% of employees in the technology sector. According to a 2024 study by the Tech Talent Charter, gender diversity in senior tech roles dwindles further to a mere 21%.
Navigating Being the 'Only' Woman Leader
My first few years of experience building software products were filled with amazing women. Our team was an anomaly - 70% women. I was involved in all hiring. We hired for future potential talent - not just technical skills. Some hires were arts-based graduates who eventually became software engineers; others got promoted from software engineering roles to product leadership.
I’ve faced many challenges as a woman in a technical and leadership role. I’ve encountered prejudices, stereotyping, and assumptions about my competence more times than I can count.
I remember the initial 'honeymoon periods' with some of my male colleagues, during which my assumption of positive regard was misread as too soft. I would eventually be challenged on my ideas and often felt tested on how tough I was or how much I knew about the products and the technology in undermining ways.
To navigate these challenges, I slowly built a toolkit to address common situations. Every encounter, whether positive or negative, taught me about myself and others.
In my early 30s, I became the Director for European Software. Tech Directors did not look like me - and still don't. I knew the products inside out and had led the development of some since their inception. I travelled the world extensively, visiting clients on all continents and was often the 'only' woman leader in the room.
Despite being introduced as the Technical Director, I experienced all the usual stuff. Clients:
Rarely addressed me.
Rarely shook my hand.
Directed questions to my male colleagues.
That's where allyship kept me sane! My colleagues and salesmen were brilliant allies. They directed questions back to me, reinforcing my expertise, and were often shocked at how people interacted with me.
Women in Leadership: An Intersectional Lens
Women are not a monolith - taking an intersectional lens is critical.
“Intersectionality is a lens through which you can see where power comes and collides, where it locks and intersects. It is the acknowledgement that everyone has their own unique experiences of discrimination and privilege.” Kimberley Crenshaw
As a woman in tech leadership, I realised that my experience was shaped not only by gender and socio-economic bias but also by other aspects of my identity. I am a white, working-class, neurotypical woman. Some of my identity characteristics compounded to work against me (working-class + a cisgender woman). However, women of colour, differently abled women, and LGBTQ+ women face compounding intersectional barriers over the course of their careers.
According to the 2024 UK Tech Talent Charter:
▶️ 25% of UK tech employees are ethnic minorities; 5% are Black.
▶️ Just 3% of tech employees have disclosed they are neurodivergent whilst UK estimates for neurodivergence are 15-20%.
Top Tips: Navigating Being the 'Only' Women in the Room
Remind yourself - you're a trailblazer
Yes, you are. I never told myself this enough! Okay, this is hard, but bear with me. While you may feel self-doubt and all those horrible negative feelings, remind yourself that if you are the only woman in the room, you are paving the way for others. So before you go into that meeting, go to the loo and repeat out loud, "I am a trailblazer. I am powerful. I am loved.". Replace the narrative in your head - it does make a difference.
Take up space
When I walk into any meeting, I greet new people first and sit in a prominent position. I used to hide in the back, but those days are over. Remember, you deserve to be there - you're not a token but a valuable contributor.
Speak early in meetings
Research has uncovered evidence that if people don't speak in the first few minutes of a meeting, they are less likely to speak at all. Speaking early sets a precedent for your active involvement throughout the meeting. This resonates with me in a significant way. I remember my confidence ebbing the longer meetings went on.
Be prepared for the occasional ambush
This is bloody annoying but a reality. Be prepared for some men to respond more aggressively to you than they would to other men. When it first happened to me, I was shocked that someone in the workplace would talk to me like that unprovoked.
The microaggressions...I lost count of how many times male colleagues (once over the niceties) challenged me for the sake of it. Let's see what she is made of. Has she earned the right to be here, or is she here to make up the numbers? In some cases, that was pretty much spelt out to me. It was a regular dance, and I learned how to do it well. I am good at it - but it's taxing and tiring.
You have a choice of what to do. Either address it in the moment or when you are ready to have that conversation.
Stand your ground and have some go-to comments ready to hand. Use a calm, but firm, tone to convey that the comment is unacceptable.
That comment was inappropriate. Don't speak to me that way.
What you just said is disrespectful. Don't speak to me that way.
I find that comment offensive and unprofessional. I expect to be treated with courtesy.
Could you explain your intention in saying that?
Note the time and place; if other people are in the meeting, talk with them afterwards. If this persists, speak to HR. You do not have to put up with this.
Imposter Feelings are real, but Imposter Syndrome is made up
I used to label my self-doubt as Imposter Syndrome. The persistent feeling that luck, rather than my abilities, was behind my success fed my self-doubt. Now, I realise that systems that work against women fuel self-doubt. Want to learn more? Check out my article on Goodbye Imposter Syndrome to find out where this concept comes from and my suggestions on reframing and dealing with self-doubt.
Take an intersectional lens
Consider the intersectional lens and begin recognising the various barriers women encounter. Just because you are the only woman in the room does not mean that your experiences are the same as those of other women, nor does it mean you can see the systems working against you or other women.
I had to get informed and learn about systems to start to see them. Many systems that govern our lives (economic, social, political) are complex; some operate in ways that aren't immediately obvious. Check out my Top Books: Women in Leadership list below.
Don't go it alone
Being the 'only' can be draining! Find your community. If you cannot find anyone at work, go outside the workplace to networking events either in person or online. There are plenty - check out my Women in Tech Inclusion Guide for some pointers. I've attended many free women in tech networking events, and they are super inclusive and designed for you. You can try some online first and then go to real events if you feel a bit awkward - but when you walk into a conference filled with women in tech, it's a huge dopamine rush!
Find allies, mentors, and sponsors
Look for supportive colleagues who amplify your voice and ideas, and build relationships across the organisation to expand your influence. Be proactive in finding allies, mentors and sponsors. At a couple of critical career junctions, I found myself turning down promotion opportunities due to self-doubt. A conversation with the right person would have turned that around.
I've had many brilliant allies and sponsors in my life. My first job in tech laid the foundation of what I expected from a leader and an ally. He saw my potential and told me. He gave me opportunities to develop and shine. He stood up for me and battled the stereotypes with me. Many men feel nervous about doing or saying the wrong thing. So let them know what could be helpful in different contexts, i.e., when you are being talked over, or your ideas are being stolen.
Hype each other
We can influence each other's power and status. Hype and promote yourself indirectly by becoming a champion for others. If you are a new leader, look for talent coming up behind you - hype them. If you are a senior leader, recruit your promoters to ensure your accomplishments get noticed in rooms you don't have access to.
Stop people from interrupting you
Kieran Synder's 2014 research in a tech context showed that men are almost three times as likely to interrupt women as they are to interrupt other men, and that women interrupt each other constantly and rarely interrupt men.
My go-to phrases:
I’d like to finish my thought.
I can't hear you when you interrupt me.
Hold onto that thought until I finish.
I’d like everyone to hold their comments until I finish my point.
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I’d like to complete my thought first.
Top Books: Women in Leadership
These are books I wish I could have read much earlier in my career. Really - read them - you'll learn a lot about how society works for and against women and why those imposter feelings come up.
Likeable Badass: How Women Get the Success They Deserve by Alison Fragale
This book was just released in 2024, and when I read it, I realised I'm a likeable badass! It addresses women's workplace challenges and provides practical advice to women. The premise is that women's workplace issues often stem from what psychologists call 'status' - how others perceive them. Fragale argues that no amount of power, degrees, or titles will elevate a woman's workplace stature unless it affects how others see her. Fragale introduces being a 'likeable badass', which involves a combination of warmth and assertiveness, and balancing likeability with competence and strength.
Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez
This book blew my mind. Think red pill, blue pill moment in The Matrix film. Perez
exposes the pervasive gender data gap in everything from medicine, health, public policy and more. For example, car safety features are designed for male bodies, putting women at higher risk of accidents. Symptoms of heart attacks in women are often misdiagnosed because the 'typical' symptoms are based on male experiences.
The Authority Gap by Mary Ann Sieghart
It's yet another book that gave me that A-HA moment - so that's what's going on when I get ignored in a meeting. She talks of the persistent gender bias that leads women to be taken less seriously than men; women are systematically underestimated and undervalued compared to men, regardless of their competence or position. This explains workplace dynamics and why women face more challenges in leadership roles.
Women and Leadership: Conversations with some of the world’s most powerful women by Julia Gillard and Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala
I love hearing about real lived experiences and this book nails it. The book examines why there are so few women in top leadership positions globally and explores the challenges women face in attaining and maintaining these roles. They interview eight prominent women leaders including Hillary Clinton, Jacinda Ardern and Joyce Banda to gather insights and look at ways to address the challenges.
Conclusion
To conclude, being the only woman in the room is challenging. But we need women leaders and women in tech. A tech and leadership career is amazing, and both need you. By building a support network, educating yourself about systemic issues, actively participating in women’s networking events, and honing your expertise, you can successfully navigate the challenges of being the only woman in the room and help create more inclusive environments for the future.